The Funny Pages
JOKES
A photographer for a national magazine
was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that
a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire.
The photographer arrived at the
airport just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane
was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"
The tense man sitting in the pilot's
seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though
flying erratically.
Fly over the north side of the
fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.
"Because I'm going to take pictures!"
yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
After a long pause, the "pilot"
replied: "You mean you're not my instructor?"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers
on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in
the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane,
bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and
the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge
sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not
react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after
a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving
down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness,
whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses
for reassurance.
Then, the airplane starts accelerating
rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as
the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are
becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less
than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the
shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane
lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot
breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these
days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!”
While cruising at 40,000 feet, the
airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. “Good lord!” he
screamed, “One of the engines just blew up!”
Other passengers left their seats
and came running over. Suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast
as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in
a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order.
Just then, standing tall and smiling
confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that
there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most
of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked
to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under
the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member
attached the package to their backs.
“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger,
“Aren't those parachutes?”
The pilot said they were. The passenger
went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”
“There isn't,” replied the pilot
as a third engine exploded. “We're going to get help.”
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets
regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner
arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the
elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out
and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine
all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around
the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's
nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations
for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check
ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and
checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise,
a shotgun.
“What's that for?” asked Santa
incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, “I'm
not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper
in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”
The passenger aircraft was fully
loaded and in the air after takeoff when the announcement came over the
loudspeaker: “Ladies and gentlemen, we've been working on a fully automatic
piloting system for years that doesn't need a flight crew and are proud
to announce that it has been perfected. You are the first passengers to
fly controlled by software only with nobody in the cockpit.We are proud
that during all our testing there has never been a mistake, mistake, mistake,
mistake, mistake, ...”
Never let it be said that ground
crews and engineers of Quantas lack a sense of humor. Here are some logged
maintenance complaints by Quantas pilots and the corrective action recorded
by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never
had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log,
and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
Problem: Left main tire almost
needs replacement.
Solution: Almost replaced left
main tire
Problem: Test flight OK, except
autoland very rough.
Solution: Autoland not installed
on this aircraft.
Problem: Something loose in cockpit.
Solution: Something tightened in
cockpit.
Problem: Dead bugs on windshield.
Solution: Live bugs on backorder.
Problem: Autopilot in altitude-hold
mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
Solution: Cannot reproduce problem
on ground.
Problem: Evidence of leak on right
main landing gear.
Solution: Evidence removed.
Problem: DME volume unbelievably
loud.
Solution: DME volume set to more
believable level.
Problem: Suspected crack in windscreen.
Solution: Suspect you're right.
Problem: Number 3 engine missing.
(note: this was for a piston engine airplane; the pilot meant the engine
was not running smoothly)
Solution: Engine found on right
wing after brief search.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny.
Solution: Warned Aircraft to straighten
up, fly right, and be serious.
Problem: Radar hums.
Solution: Reprogrammed radar with
words.
Problem: Mouse in cockpit.
Solution: Installed cat.
Things you don't want to hear over
the intercom from the pilot of the plane that you're on
“To the passengers on the right-hand
side of the plane, I'm sure you've noticed the loss of an engine, however
the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently
now.”
“Ummmmmm ... Sorry everybody ...”
(silence)
“This is your Captain speaking,
these blasted planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to...
so please give me some leeway if this flight doesn't go too well.”
“Stewardess would you please bring
four parachutes to the front cabin.”
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
Flying Lesson #1
If you push the stick forward,
the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
AVIATION DEFINITIONS
Airfoil: Reynolds Wrap for manufacturing
aircraft wings.
Engine Failure: A condition which
occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air.
Angle of Attack: Pick-up lines
that pilots use.
Bank: The folks who hold the lien
on most pilots' cars.
Dead Reckoning: You reckon correctly,
or you are dead.
Service Ceiling: Altitude at which
cabin crews can serve drinks.
Spoilers: The Federal Aviation
Administration.
Stall: Technique used to explain
to the bank why your car payment is late.
Steep Bank: Banks that charge pilots
more than 10% interest.
Tail Wind: Results from eating
beans, often causing Oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Turn & Bank Indicator: An instrument
highly ignored by pilots.
AVIATION LIES:
I'm from the FAA and I'm here to
help you.
I fixed it right the first time,
it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my
landing.
I only need glasses for reading.
Don't worry about the weight and
balance -- it'll fly.
We shipped the part yesterday.
Sure I can fly it -- it has wings,
doesn't it?
Hey Honey, I'm going to go fly.
I'll be home by lunchtime.
Of course I know where we are.
I thought you filled it up with
gas.
You May Be A Redneck Pilot If...
... your stall warning plays "Dixie."
... your cross-country flight plan
uses flea markets as check points.
... you think sectionals charts
should show trailer parks.
... you've ever used moonshine
as avgas.
... you have mud flaps on your
wheel pants.
... you think GPS stands for going
perfectly straight.
... your toothpick keeps poking
your mike.
... you constantly confuse Beechcraft
with Beechnut.
... just before impact, you are
heard saying, "Hey y'all, watch this!"
... you have a black airplane with
a big #3 on the side.
... you use a Purina feed bag for
a windsock.
... you refer to flying in formation
as "We got ourselves a convoy!"
... there is a sign on the side
of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
... you subscribe to The Southern
Aviator because of the soft paper!
... you have ever incorporated
sheet rock into the repair of your aircraft.
... you have ever responded to
ATC with the phrase "That's a big 10-4!"
... you have ever tried to impress
your girlfriend by buzzing her double wide.
... your go/no-go checklist includes
the words "Skoal" or "Redman."
These pages were sent to me by e-mail.